For over 20years I have experienced a pain so deeply rooted that it stunted my growth. I'm only 5 foot 7! It became so crippling at times that it even thwarted my hopes. I can't believe how much that hurt affected my first relationship. Initially she looked at me with promise but her second glance was always with a scowl that said I failed her before. Still she remains in my life to this day but there are many times her ways actions make me feel so unsure. I remain faithful to her but there are times when we both go a stray.
Ladies adore my nice build although I rarely hit the gym. I say its the result of responsibility weighing heavily on my shoulders. The way I carry it makes them say I look athletic. Wow, I have been working out for 20 years now. Admittedly, I'm a ladies man mainly because I know how to make her feel comfortable, special and secured. Indirectly I also attribute this to my first relationship because it was in her times of weakness that I learned how to be strong. So yes, she deserves the credit. For so long I lived without a script, not that one didn't exist but my logical mind needed something tangible to follow. In the absence of that example I searched through music and exaggerated images on television screens that often made my reality easier to swallow.
Over the years, I acquired a resistance to pain that resulted in a numbness that remains and this is evident because the ladies tell me so. They search for my reaction but desperately fail to solicit a response. When I am most pleased, I say I am happy but a smile evades me. When I am saddened, I say that its so but a frown will not appear. That's funny but I resist laughter. It hurts but the tears will not fall. I cannot let it show. I cannot let it go. She and I went our separate ways. She reluctantly severed our bond hoping that I would dramatically express my desire to have her in my life. But I acquired a resistance to pain that resulted in a numbness that remains... I said stay. But my arms did not reach out for her.
When she casually uttered his name, I knew my world would change. But how do you amend a time line of a lifetime by inserting a life line? I made it this far by doing it this way. So why is it that on this day that I feel this way? That's how fast my mind was moving! For many if not most, this revelation would have taken place years ago. Instead, it me over 30 years to know. SHE FINALLY SAID MY FATHER'S NAME!
In extreme frustration, I questioned, "How could you avoid such a simple task?" Her response, "You never asked."
I am not bitter. Those were my first words to the man whose brutal hands forced his lover, my mother, to seek refuge in a distant place. Somehow I understand the cause and reaction, misguided attractions and the excuses that escort the regrets from moments of passion. Forgiveness would be the ultimate but ultimately I cannot forgive you because to me you never existed. However; as a man whom has suffered through indiscretions, mistakes and regrets I do understand.
WHAT NOW?
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5 comments:
A basterd no more...lets talk about how single mothers react to the fathers disappearing. Lets talk about how it impacts the child(ren)
As a child I missed and longed for his touch, insight, guidance and direction. At times all I wanted was a hug from his long arms, a kiss on the cheek, and the assurance he would never leave. Three years ago, he rentered my life, the same way he left through the one who, provided, protected, and professed we were her children. He swept my mother off her feet with kind words and vacations. She had forgiven him and regained that which she lost many years ago her husband.
For me a now single mother of 1 it was not as easy to forgive the man who left and never looked back. But, he was back, accepted and loved by all who laid his transgressions asside and revelled in his shadow, accept me. The one who bares his image and personality the most, maybe that is why it was so easy not to give him my all again. He never gave us his all, only that which he was willing to give. A small part to get in good graces to begin the cycle of the past to impress, encourage, con, and then to discourage and leave.
My mother nursed him back to health like a sick pup, and in the end he gave her 2 months notice he was leaving like she was a job. When I dropped him off at the airport on 9-11 with his grandkids in tow for final kisses and goodbyes. I thought we would at least get a phone call when he reached his destition and got settled. Nope, that would be too much to ask of someone who is used to using people to get what they want.
Abandonment in childrend fosters...
Rejection Issues
Trust "
Self Esteem "
Control "
...in adults.
It a shame that us males know exactly how we impact the lives of the women around us but decline to step up and be a man. I too am guilty of this but I am making strides everyday to be more accountable for my actions. I do not have children of my own at the moment. But I know and understand that I must learn, right now, how to be a man in a relationship so that when it comes time for family I wont punk out like so many males do.
Its difficult for us males out here right now but that is no excuse because its equally hard if not more difficult for the women.
Sux!
Single mothers react to the fathers absence in a variety of way. I'm only going to speak about what I have witnessed which is they try to man up and act as if they will never need a man (the jaded view-all men are liars, cheat and are no good), find a replacement or do their best to cling to the child's father who makes it perfectly clear that he is not ready to be a father in the child's life but likes the benefits of being in the mother's life (example home cooked meal, warm bed on occasion, sex, being around the child temporarily). Every single action the mother takes in response to the father's absence directly impacts the child(ren). And the father's absence will definitely impact the child(ren)as well.
My father's absence and my mother's relationships with men taught me what I didn't want in my relationships. I didn't want a man with children. I didn't want to have to children until I got married. I wanted my own things like an education that gives instant independence. A man can break your self-esteem if you let him but they can't take away what you've learned and our your degree. The idea that you should believe people when they show you who they are the first time is true. My father showed my mother who he was from the beginning and she pursued him anyway and then got shocked later when he refused to change into what she wanted him to be. I learned here to be very intuitive, observant before giving up my goods. I'm worth waiting for.
Anyway, my grandfather would take my dad with him on his rendezvous with his lover in my grandmother's absence. These were the negative values my father learned by seeing his father's womanizing ways. Is it unfair to believe that he would grow up to begin having children at 15 and father numerous children with whom he has no relationship with. All he knows about his children is that they share the same last name. What shaped his view of women? What gave him the right to father children with whom he does not care for financially, physically, or emotionally? Who do we blame? My father's father or my father? When does a man take the initiative to no longer walk in his fathers footsteps and seek therapy to address past hurts and strive to be better than his father? Children are deeply impacted and the way they view relationships is strongly shaped by their upbringing and their parental relationships. Hurt people hurt others and thus the cycle continues.
@Cameo great questions, however hurt people can stop the cycle, but it starts with self-reflection and change. I had to stop the cycle for myself and from Lix's comments he is trying to stop it for himself as well.
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